


To Lose Myself In You

by Tali (aworldinside)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Field Trip, M/M, Sirius/Remus Fuh-Q-Fest, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-13
Updated: 2003-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:44:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4789412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aworldinside/pseuds/Tali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the first wave of the Sirius/Remus Fuh-Q-Fest. </p>
<p>Response to #36: A DADA field trip to the Werewolf Offices of the Ministry proves too much for Remus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Lose Myself In You

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Gileonnen for her wonderful beta.

Professor Locke swept into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom with an uncharacteristic flourish. Remus, James, Sirius and Peter just looked at one another. Something was up.

'Good afternoon, class; today I have something very special to announce.' He was smiling much more than was his custom; it was making Remus a little nervous.

Locke continued, 'Earlier today I Flooed to the Ministry of Magic, where I was told that my NEWT class had been invited to tour the Ministry later this week and look at the departments especially related to Defence Against the Dark Arts. I do not think I need to tell you all what a wonderful opportunity this is for you. We will be going this Friday. If any of you believe that your parents will have any trouble with this, or that you are unable to go for another reason, you can see me after class.'

Remus could already feel Sirius's gaze upon him. A visit to the Ministry meant one thing - they would be going to the offices that dealt with werewolves. The capture of werewolves, the registration of werewolves.

Professor Locke smiled at them all broadly, 'I am sure you will be looking forward to this trip as much as I am, and I'm sure those of you who attend will find it most useful for the examination later this year.'

Remus swallowed.

'Now, today we will be studying the...

\--

Remus knew that Sirius would say something sooner or later. He was waiting for it. James and Peter wouldn't say anything because they knew that Sirius would. He took his chance while they were getting their books from their dormitory after dinner - well, while Remus was getting his books…

'You wouldn't have to go, you know; I'm sure Dumbledore would understand.'

Remus sighed, 'I'm going to go, Sirius.'

'Why?'

'Because I want to! Because despite the subject matter it has at times, I like Defence Against the Dark Arts, because Locke said it would be important to the examination; and because I want to do this, Sirius. I have to see this. I don't expect you to understand but just accept this without argument just this once. Please?'

Sirius looked resigned, 'Okay, Moony. It's just … I worry about you. I'm afraid it'll be too much for you to see … that.' A disapproving and angry tone entered Sirius's voice.

Remus walked over to him, 'I know you worry, and I appreciate it, Sirius. But I want to do this. I'll be fine. I'm not as fragile as I look, you know.' He was sick of people treating him like he was made out of porcelain.

The dark-haired boy smirked and raised his eyebrow suggestively. 'I know you're not.'

Remus hit him playfully on the right arm. 'Shut up.' He settled into Sirius's arms and reached up a hand to stroke his cheek. 'I've made my decision, okay?' He interrupted Sirius before he had to chance to reply, 'I'll be fine, and your protest is duly noted. I'm just ignoring it,' he added with a small smile.

Sirius rolled his eyes but said nothing, in the end nodding and pulling Remus closer to him. 'Okay,' he muttered, 'you win.'

The smaller boy smiled into the crook of his boyfriend's shoulder and just let himself be held, quietly wondering how he had ever done without this.

Just then they heard the sound of someone thundering up the dormitory stairs. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and said together, 'James.'

As if on cue James's head appeared around the corner of the door, his face flushed a little. 'Sorry to break up whatever you two were doing,' his tone suggested what he thought they had been doing and he didn't sound very apologetic, 'but you have got to come down stairs and see what someone's done.'

Remus and Sirius followed James down the stairs, and as if one cue as they looked out the window, the Slytherin Quidditch team paraded onto the field below them obviously preparing to go to Quidditch practice. They then watched as all of the players' robes, brooms and hair were turned a shocking shade of fuchsia, a shade of fuchsia in which the words 'Go, Go, Gryffindor,' could be seen marked onto, and flashing at odd intervals. Those standing by the window of the Gryffindor Common Room laughed; the Slytherin players didn't find it nearly as amusing.

'Someone, huh?' Remus said. 'So you have absolutely no idea who did this, Prongs?'

'Hey, I'm innocent!' James protested quite vehemently.

'Yeah,' replied Remus, 'and I'm the Queen of England.'

'You really have quite the facial hair problem there, your Majesty, you should get that looked at,' James answered complete with a mock bow.

Remus tried to glare but looking back at James with that stupid grin on his face, he could do nothing but laugh quietly and shake his head.

James leant a little closer to Remus. 'Though I must say that the person who did it was a genius.'

Remus looked back over at him. 'Yeah, I thought you might say that.'

The spectacled wizard just grinned back at him.

'That is brilliant, Prongs,' Sirius said, with a slight trace of awe in his voice. Remus noticed he also seemed to be in no doubt about who had pulled off the prank.

James seemed about to protest again, but he stepped closer to them and said quietly, 'Thank you, my dear Padfoot, I do but try.' He bounced off to where other people were gazing out the window; he seemed to be especially keen to hear the opinion of a certain red-haired Head Girl.

'And people say I'm the arrogant one,' Sirius muttered good-naturedly.

'You both are,' Remus said to him with a snort.

Sirius tried to look deeply offended but in the end just smiled, 'I suppose we are really.'

'You are,' Remus agreed. 'You're not as bad as you were though.'

'No,' Sirius said quietly, 'not that bad.'

A dark look crossed the dark haired boy's face and Remus knew what he was referring to. The Willow 'prank' of a year before.

Remus touched his upper arm comfortingly. 'We're over that now.' A small voice at the back of Remus's head asked him if he was so sure about that, Remus ignored it.

Sirius nodded. 'Yeah.' He didn't sound all that convinced.

James walked past them, a broad grin plastered on his face. 'She smiled,' he said, 'then she got that imperious look on her face and said this would do nothing to help House relations … but she smiled first. I'm wearing her down.' He sounded triumphant.

Remus and Sirius didn't even bother to ask to whom James was referring; they had been hearing about it all the time they had been back at school. James had fallen for Lily Evans, and he had fallen hard.

'That's wonderful, mate,' Sirius replied.

'Yeah, it is.' James said, not picking up on that sarcastic tone in Sirius's voice.

They liked Lily and they knew she liked James and they were happy for them they really were, they just wished they'd get together and stop bloody making eyes at each other across the breakfast table. When they'd said this to James, he had glared at them and muttered something about pots calling kettles black.

After James had gone, walking off to pester Lily again no doubt, Sirius said, 'Well, there will be one good thing about this field trip.'

'Oh, what's that?'

'Well, Evans doesn't take Defence against the Dark Arts. So at least we'll have a whole day without them pretending not to look at one another when they really are.'

Remus laughed.

\--

The trip to the Ministry a few days later was relatively uneventful. Snape and his group of Slytherins kept largely to themselves, as did James, Sirius, Remus and Peter, and well, the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the class were never really any trouble anyway, usually just watching on in amusement as the Slytherin versus Gryffindor war continued unabated, more often than not in their classroom.

They arrived in the foyer and were met by a young witch with dark hair and a sombre expression.

Professor Locke cleared his throat, trying to look important, 'Class, I would like the introduce you to your guide today, Miss Hestia Merryweather - from the Minister's office, no less. I am sure you will all show her the respect she deserves.'

Remus wondered if her parents had a fully appreciated sense of irony, as the witch's face resembled a storm cloud more than any other meteorological event, especially a positive one.

'Welcome to the Ministry of Magic.' She put on a fake smile. 'Professor Locke has told me all about your interest in Defence Against the Dark Arts and the Ministry of course would like to encourage that in any way possible, which is this reason for this special field trip. You will be visiting some vital areas of the Ministry today and all I ask is that you be quiet and respect the work areas you are about to enter.'

She started to walk them towards the lift, 'I encourage you to ask any questions you may have and if you like you may call me Hestia.'

Remus thought it was odd that she would let them do that, but then by the look of it this field trip was going to anything but normal.

The first few places the class visited were no problem for Remus; in fact he was quite enjoying himself, as it seemed was everyone else. James and Snape had even stopped openly snarking at each other … well, most of the time, anyway. At the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, their guide showed them around and told them how the department used special charms to capture wizarding criminals. Sirius was upset when their guide announced that they wouldn't get shown around the Aurors' department, but she explained that with the upsurge in dark wizard activity recently they were all very busy and had no time for school groups.

'Next,' Hestia announced, 'I'm going to take you to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures,' and she led them back towards the lift.

Remus felt his stomach clench a little but he took a deep breath and started walking. Sirius was walking beside him and was already looking at him with concern. Remus sighed, mouthed, 'I'll be fine,' to the taller boy and gave him a little smile. He was happy to see that Sirius smiled back.

The fourth floor was a lot like the second and Hestia quickly whisked down the hallway towards an imposing sign that announced they were at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.

'First, I'm going to take you to largest of the divisions of the Department, the Beast division. Now, I will ask that you all be very careful as some very odd things have been known to move down these hallways,' Hestia declared.

The class shuffled a little closer together and Remus tried to ignore the feeling that was settling in his stomach. He had in fact been here before but the memories weren't particularly pleasant. His father had taken him here when he was six to be registered. He still remembered the old wizard who had processed his application, looking at him like he was a hippogriff instead of a relatively average-looking six year old boy who had a very strong grip on his father's hand but a determined look in his eyes.

You got through that, Lupin, he thought to himself, you can damn well get through this.

They entered a large office with a door labelled 'Werewolf Capture Board'. Remus looked around, his stomach starting to slowly churn.

Why couldn't they have just gone to the Spirit division first, why had they had to start here? He looked up and saw now that James, Sirius and Peter were now all eyeing him nervously. Remus just looked back at them, a determined look on his face. He would be fine.

Sirius tried to offer him his hand. Remus thought about taking it but in the end shook it off. Sirius just looked back at him, maybe a little offended, but in the end just nodded at him. They entered the office.

'Now,' Hestia said briskly, 'this is the office of the Werewolf Capture Board. Werewolves are considered by the Ministry to be quite a serious problem and the Ministry does everything it can to help keep the problem under control. As if I'm sure Professor Locke has already told you, werewolves are very dangerous and very dark creatures.'

Remus didn't have to look at Sirius to know what kind of look was going to be on his face during this speech, but he looked anyway. He wore an expression somewhere in between a grimace and snarl. The churning feeling in Remus's stomach subsided, but only slightly.

Hestia continued, 'This office is responsible for the capture of the most dangerous of these creatures, which needless to say is most of them,' Remus took a deep breath. She went on, 'and the head of the Board, Mr. Cadmus Killigan has told me that you are welcome to look around this main room, where they have set up a presentation of sorts to show you what this office does. All he has asked is that you don't go into the private offices, as some very important work is done here.'

Remus heard Sirius cough, a cough that sounded a lot like 'bollocks'. Professor Locke glared at him and Sirius just smiled innocently back.

The class started to filter around the main room, looking at what had been set up. Many of the other departments had done this too, obviously keen to get as many students interested in their particular area of the Ministry as possible. The whole field trip could have really been classified as one large recruitment drive, if you asked Remus, which of course no one did.

The four boys stood in the centre of the room making no real move to look at anything. He would get through this; he had to. They wouldn't be in here for too long. Everything would be okay. Sirius was standing right beside him. He didn't want to have to reach out for him. He didn't need to reach out for him, but Remus felt better that he was here, and that James and Peter were there. He took a step towards one of the walls, his friends right behind him.

'Mr Potter, Mr Black?' Professor Locke's voice rang out across the room. 'Would you come here for a minute? There is something I would like to discuss with you…'

James and Sirius just looked at one another.

'What did you guys do this time?' Peter asked.

'Nothing!' They replied in unison.

'You'd better go see what he wants,' Remus told them.

Sirius just looked at him, his eyes saying what his voice wouldn't.

'Sirius,' Remus replied a little annoyed, 'I'll be fine, I'm not going to fall into a crumbling mess just because you don't happen to be standing beside me anymore, okay?'

'Okay,' he said, still looking at Remus. He addressed James. 'Let's go see what the crackpot wants.'

They walked across the room.

Remus and Peter walked towards the photos. He would do this.

Peter edged closer to Remus and whispered to him, 'Bellatrix was standing beside Locke before, telling him something…'

'Was she?' Remus asked, only vaguely interested.

'Yeah … do you think that's why James and Sirius were called over?'

'Maybe, Pete, maybe… ' Remus's mind was somewhere else.

His parents had raised him well. They were good people who while not prepared for a werewolf son, had done their best for him. When he had turned eight they had explained to him the realities of what he was and how other people might think of him. They had told him that that sort of people, people who didn't get to know the 'real' Remus, weren't worth his time.

Looking at the pictures in front of him, Remus wondered who the 'real' Remus really was. He had a fair idea that the Ministry had some pretty strong feelings on the subject.

He swallowed. Feeling his heart beat a little faster.

Looking around briefly he saw that Professor Locke was still talking to Sirius and James. From his body language Remus could tell that Sirius was trying to get away, but he wasn't having any luck, as Locke just kept on talking.

Remus looked around again. He had thought he could take this. He wanted to prove to them all that he could take this. He wasn't some little fragile teacup, like the ones Trelawney had in her room; he was just as strong as they were. He felt his heart calm down a little as he told himself that they would be out of here soon, that he could take this, and then he saw it…

Plastered on to the wall, hidden behind some of the other things, was a picture of a small child, probably no more than six. Remus didn't remember much about his transformations when he was that age except the pain, the pain of having such a small, growing body torn limb from limb to be replaced by something that could very well eat his own parents.

He felt someone come to stand beside him, someone who wasn't Peter.

'Having a little trouble looking what you truly are in the eye, Lupin?' Severus Snape talked quietly, careful that no one else could hear him. He had sworn to Dumbledore that he wouldn't tell anyone else … but he hadn't said that he wouldn't tell Remus all about it.

Remus took another deep breath, just ignoring Snape's words. Peter had been right Bellatrix had talked to Locke to get James and especially Sirius away from Remus so that Snape could do this. Snape had been relatively quiet once he had found out about Remus, till now…

'No more trouble than you must have looking in the mirror in the morning, Severus,' Remus replied.

Snape ignored him and leant in closer. 'What it must be like... to know you could do that to someone, to know that you could hurt someone, like that poor little six year old boy, like you almost hurt me...'

Remus closed his eyes, trying to ignore Snape's voice.

'To know that you're nothing but an animal, and that is all the Ministry treats you as. An animal. A beast. Something that's not human … something that can't love. Something that doesn't deserve friends. Something that doesn't deserve to even be liked…'

Remus tried to block out the words, but he couldn't. He felt them filtering through his consciousness, slowly hitting his insecurities, his fears. He had tried to be strong, he had tried to beat this but Snape had pushed him one step too far. He could hurt someone. He nearly had hurt someone. The Ministry did see him as just an animal.

He walked from the room without a sound.

\--

Sirius looked over his shoulder. Locke was just winding down from his deep talk on 'proper behaviour while representing the school,' after Bella had accused them of 'improper behaviour in the Ministry hallways.' Sirius noticed that Remus was no longer standing beside Peter, and Snape was standing a hell of a lot closer to them than he had been and wearing a triumphant smirk.

He walked over to them, 'Where's Remus?' He asked Peter, a definite edge to his voice.

Peter just looked at him and then looked over at Snape.

'What the fuck did you do to him?' He said it quietly, most of the other members of the class were still oblivious to what was going on and he wanted to keep it that way.

'Oh, nothing, Black, just gave him a little reminder of what he really is…'

Sirius's fingers clenched forming a fist. No, he told himself, if you go and punch the bastard here, there would be questions why. Remus doesn't need that. Sirius had already done this before, with the Willow, and look how that had turned out. He looked over at James, who was looking at him pointedly, obviously thinking the same thing.

Sirius took a deep breath, 'One day, Snape, I hope someone gives you what you truly fucking deserve.'

He left the room to look for Remus.

\--

'Mr Black! Where do you think you are going?' Locke yelled after the departing Sirius. He turned on James, 'What is happening here, Mr Potter? Did you two listen to nothing of what I just said about proper behaviour while on school trips.'

James thought quickly, 'Ah, Remus was feeling unwell, Professor, and left the room, Sirius just left to check if he was okay. I'm sure they'll be back shortly.'

Locke was not predisposed to trusting James, but he looked over at Peter who was nodding. 'This is true, Pettigrew?'

Peter saw the look in James's eyes, 'Yes, sir, Remus told me was feeling sick and to apologise to you, sir. He said he's been feeling unwell all day, but it just got too much for him. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can.'

Locke just nodded. 'Okay, then. Miss Merryweather? Is it about time to move on?'

'Yes, Professor, it is.' She addressed the class, 'Next is the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures.'

\--

Sirius was glad that he was tall for his age. It meant that if he ran into anyone along the corridor, they were less likely to question him.

Sirius didn't need to think about why Snape had done what he did, he already knew. Revenge. Snape had bided his time to strike back and the fact that he'd used Remus was making Sirius's blood boil. A voice in the back of his head reminded him that he'd done exactly the same thing. You're an idiot, Black, he told himself as he looked for Remus. An utter idiot.

He finally caught sight of him. Remus was standing by a window that was drawn back a little distance from the main corridor. He was just staring out of it, his face a mystery.

Sirius walked towards him, carefully keeping an eye on the corridor. He stood next to him. Remus showed no sign that Sirius, or even the Ministry building, was there. Sirius waited - he was prepared to wait however long it took.

Remus looked out the window and said quietly, 'You were right.'

'You think I came looking for you to tell you, "I told you so?"'

'No … but you were.'

'I wish I wasn't.'

'I just … I thought I'd be fine. I mean, I knew that existed, I know the realities of what I am, I've known for so long … but…' Remus couldn't continue.

Sirius held out his hand to him and Remus took it without thinking.

\--

Remus just stood there, holding Sirius' hand in silence for a while.

What he had felt was hard to put into words. In a way he wanted to make Sirius understand, but then part of him knew he couldn't, and part of him didn't want him to know. He didn't want anyone else to feel this needlessly. He wouldn't have wished it on his worst enemy, let alone the boy (nearly a man) who was standing beside him, looking at him so earnestly. The boy he loved.

'You know, I try to pretend to myself, to prove to you and James, and Peter, that I'm not weak, and then ... well, today happens.' Remus was talking to himself more than Sirius.

'You think we think that you're weak?' Sirius's tone was incredulous.

Remus looked a little guilty. 'Sometimes,' he admitted.

'We only protect you because we care about you, not because we think you're weak,' Sirius put a hand on Remus's shoulder. 'Remus, you are without a doubt the strongest person I know. To go through what you do, and you don't complain, you just … you're strong, Remus, never doubt that.'

'Sometimes I break…'

'We all do,' Sirius replied simply.

Remus sighed, 'I just … when Snape said that … I could see it, I could see me hurting someone, I could see how the Ministry see me … I didn't like that.'

Sirius squeezed his hand; 'You'd never hurt someone, Rem.'

'I nearly did, Sirius.'

'Yeah … well, I had a little to do with that, didn't I?' Sirius's voice was quiet.

He couldn't deny that and Remus had to admit that part of him still hurt thinking about it. If it hadn't happened, then Snape would have never gotten back at him today. 'What's past is past, Sirius,' he said finally. He had forgiven him. Remus squeezed Sirius's hand back.

They stood in silence again, just holding each other's hands, lost in their own thoughts.

'It's fucked up,' Sirius said.

Remus almost laughed at Sirius's summing up of the situation. 'Yeah, it is.'

'I mean, they just don't understand. You are people most of the bloody time. You have feelings and thoughts and dreams just like everybody else…'

'We just happen to turn into blood-thirsty monsters every full moon...' Remus interrupted, a little cynically.

Sirius looked at him, 'Yeah, but that's not your fault! You didn't choose to be like this. You're just are like that, and the Ministry goes and treats you like fucking animals.'

'You're kind of preaching to the converted here, Sirius.'

The other boy smiled at him 'I am a bit, aren't I? I ... just, it just makes my blood boil.'

'Mine too,' Remus said simply. He quietly wondered what would happen if Sirius applied this same theory towards the school's Slytherins, he was almost tempted to ask him. But then, Sirius had his own reasons for his rather vehement Slytherin prejudice.

'Did Peter tell you it was Snape?' Remus was almost afraid to ask, fearing what Sirius's reaction would have been.

'Yeah,' Sirius replied flatly.

'He is still breathing, right?'

'Yeah. Though I can't vouch for what James did once I left the room … I was angry at him, but to be honest I was more worried about you.'

Remus smiled, just slightly.

'Do you want to go back?' Sirius asked cautiously.

Remus thought about it. He didn't want to give Snape the satisfaction of knowing that he had chased him off for good, and there were some good parts of the field trip still to go …

'Okay.'

'Okay.'

Remus turned around to face the other boy, still holding on to his hand. 'I love you,' he said quietly and kissed Sirius on the cheek, brushing some of his black hair back behind his ear.

Sirius took hold of the hand that had caressed his cheek and softly kissed it. 'I love you, too.'

They moved off together, back towards where their class would be, but Remus didn't forget. He still heard Snape's voice in his head, he still saw the pictures, but the words were a little quieter when he was holding Sirius's hand.

\--

Once Remus had returned back to the class he tried to forget about what had happened and concentrate on what Hestia was telling them, but he couldn't. The images kept flashing before his eyes. The conversation with Sirius had helped, but even Sirius couldn't chase away what he saw in his head. No one could.

Sirius kept looking at him with concern; Remus wished he wouldn't but then telling Sirius not to be over-protective of his friends was kind of like asking a dog to give up a bone ... in fact, it was exactly like that, Remus thought, and he wasn't just a friend to Sirius.

Snape ignored him completely. He didn't look all that worse off, but then Bellatrix was standing close to him, and if one person made James Potter nervous it was Sirius's cousin.

He was glad when they finally left the building; he felt he could breathe just that little bit easier.

\--

Dinner that night was a quiet affair. The Great Hall was as raucous as usual but the four boys who sat at one end of the Gryffindor table stayed far more silent than was their custom. Remus was lost in thought - although he tried his best, he was unable to shake the images from that day's field trip out of his head.

Sirius sat beside him, often looking sideways at Remus when he thought he wasn't looking. A small line on his forehead was the only real sign that betrayed that he was worried and not just looking over to stare at his boyfriend as he usually did.

James and Peter stayed quiet largely because Sirius and Remus did. While they had not been privy to their conversation at the Ministry it didn't take a genius to figure out that the visit had upset both of them more than they were letting on.

They arrived back in the Common Room and sat down in their usual place by the fire. Peter suggested a game of Exploding Snap but only James took him up on it. They eventually managed to talk two fifth-year boys James knew from the Quidditch team into playing with them. While Sirius and Remus sat side by side only talking every so often and when they did, talking quietly so that their voices did not carry to anyone else.

'You look tired,' Sirius said a while later, his voice mirroring his concern for his boyfriend.

'I'm fine, Sirius. I'm just … thinking about a lot.'

Sirius squeezed Remus's hand in response. He had taken possession of it just after dinner and had not let go. Something that Remus hadn't objected to. 'I know, but you should sleep,' he said softly, 'you might feel better once you've slept on it.'

Remus looked over at him. Sirius looked so worried. He hated to see him like that. Sirius usually seemed so carefree and now he looked so earnest and grave. Remus just nodded. 'Okay, then … maybe I will.' tried to hide the pessimistic note in his voice. From the look on Sirius's face he didn't do very well. He started to stand up and looked down at the still-seated Sirius. 'Come with me?' He said it simply, not knowing if he could face an empty bed.

Sirius stood up quickly and gave him a small smile. 'Of course I will,' he said gently.

\--

James and Peter had turned from Exploding Snap to wizarding chess, one of the few games at which Peter was any real challenge to James. They looked up and wished their friends good night, Peter shooting a concerned look at the obviously drained Remus and worried Sirius.

'Are they okay?' he asked the other boy over the chessboard, making sure that the two second years sitting not far from them couldn't hear what he was saying.

James lifted his head from considering his move and looked over to the staircase where the two boys had just disappeared. 'They'll be okay, Pete.' They have to be, he thought to himself.

\--

Remus knew there was only one way he was going to get this out of his head. He needed to lose himself in something else, or perhaps in this case someone else.

As soon as the dormitory door shut he pounced, pushing Sirius back into his bed, and kissing him frantically. Sirius responded but slowly pushed him back after a second, 'Are you sure you want to do this now?' He asked quietly.

'Positive,' Remus replied, slowly starting to unbutton Sirius's shirt.

Sirius grabbed hold of his hands, 'You're sure? It's been a hard day for you…'

Remus looked straight into the other boy's blue eyes. 'I'm sure, Sirius. I just need to lose myself for a while.' To lose myself in you, he thought.

Sirius just nodded in return and softly let go of Remus's hands. He had been in the same position often enough, usually after receiving letters from his family members.

Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius again, this time a little more softly. His hands returned to the buttons on Sirius's shirt, and he slowly pushed the shirt back off his shoulders.

Sirius returned his kiss, gently running his tongue over Remus's. Remus felt his hands at the buttons of his own shirt and then at the fly of his jeans … he leant into Sirius's kiss a little more, slowly pushing him back on to the bed behind them. He needed this, he admitted to himself. He needed to feel like this. Like there was something more important to him than what happened to him every time the full moon was in the sky, that he wasn't Remus Lupin, werewolf, but Remus Lupin, another teenager in love. And he was in love, he never doubted it. He loved this boy, this man, below him, with all his heart. For all his over-protectiveness, his impulsiveness, his stubbornness … he loved Sirius Black with all his heart.

That night Remus Lupin lost himself, but not in the wolf, but in a star.


End file.
